I can’t help but think that had this 2009 Canadian film about a rock n’ roll band of vampires been released at some other time (that time being any time when there wasn’t a Twilight or a Trueblood, etc.), I might have enjoyed it more, but as it is it just feels like another bite (yes, really) at the fang craze, and even its backdrop of a gigging band searching for stardom, its numerous rock star cameos, and small but smart doses of humor, doesn’t help push it past being just another fad. Of course, it doesn’t help that the music in this rock n’ roll spoof is completely lame — that it, yes, sucks. That’s probably what offended me most about Suck, especially given the obvious influences guiding writer/director/star Rob Stefaniuk. I understand that in order to properly spoof the industry, to lay waste to the shticks people will rely on to help make ‘em famous, you have to have a shitty band with a shitty name (in the this case The Winners) because the majority of mainstream bands are truly terrible, but The Winners’ insipid, whiny brand of rock n’ roll just made me angry. I got it, but I didn’t enjoy swallowing it.* Of course, as mentioned earlier, Stefaniuk was obviously guided by some strong influences, and Suck isn’t so much a great movie to watch as it is a great game to play.

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We’ve run into a real string of bad movies lately, haven’t we? Not that I thought Parasomnia was going to be any different, and not that you haven’t come to expect bad movie write-ups from me, but when you hoe the low budget road, there’s usually some awesome surprises waiting for you. Besides, this one was written and directed by William Malone, the same dude who did House on Haunted Hill and Feardotcom (yeah, okay, also not great but at least these were legitimate theatrical releases and starred people like Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, and Stephen Dorff), so I suppose one could gleam a glimmer of horror hope from this one. But all hope was quickly dashed and there weren’t any surprises waiting for me. Only a mundane, low budget fantasy lost in a shitty dream world of love, blood, and madness.

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This piece of shit movie is supposed to be about disenfranchised teens, the bonds of friendship, and sexual curiosity, blah blah, but I think it’s just an hour and a half of poorly acted, terribly scripted, rape. Or necrophilia, depending on how you want to look at it. First, I couldn’t get past the 20-something actors that are suppose to be high school kids.  It didn’t work on 90210 and it’s not working here. Second, given the averages laid out by this film, 100% of men — sorry, boys — who come across a bound and dead (or near dead) body of a woman aren’t going to try and help her, but are going to fuck her repeatedly. If only the girls at school would just spread their legs, then these guys wouldn’t have to fuck a living corpse, huh? I guess that’s another point this movie is trying to make, so pay attention ladies. And about this dead girl? Well, she’s not really dead in so much as she can’t die. Don’t even bother asking why or how she got that way because that kind of detail isn’t important. The important thing is, she’s naked and not really willing.

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