I can’t help but think that had this 2009 Canadian film about a rock n’ roll band of vampires been released at some other time (that time being any time when there wasn’t a Twilight or a Trueblood, etc.), I might have enjoyed it more, but as it is it just feels like another bite (yes, really) at the fang craze, and even its backdrop of a gigging band searching for stardom, its numerous rock star cameos, and small but smart doses of humor, doesn’t help push it past being just another fad. Of course, it doesn’t help that the music in this rock n’ roll spoof is completely lame — that it, yes, sucks. That’s probably what offended me most about Suck, especially given the obvious influences guiding writer/director/star Rob Stefaniuk. I understand that in order to properly spoof the industry, to lay waste to the shticks people will rely on to help make ‘em famous, you have to have a shitty band with a shitty name (in the this case The Winners) because the majority of mainstream bands are truly terrible, but The Winners’ insipid, whiny brand of rock n’ roll just made me angry. I got it, but I didn’t enjoy swallowing it.* Of course, as mentioned earlier, Stefaniuk was obviously guided by some strong influences, and Suck isn’t so much a great movie to watch as it is a great game to play.

First though, the rundown. Stefaniuk plays Joey, the self-absorbed leader of The Winners, and he and his band have just been dumped by their manager Jeff (Dave Foley). Despite being at their lowest, they stick to their plans to make it from Montreal to Toronto and down the Eastern US seaboard in order to play a showcase gig attended by industry insiders, movers and shakers. However, before leaving Montreal, the band’s bass player, Jennifer (Jessica Paré), leaves a gig with a powder-faced dandy named Queeny (played by Burning Brides singer/guitarist Dimitri Coats), goes to a party, and gets turned into a blood-sucker. When she arrives at the next city, there’s something noticeably different about her, and suddenly, people start taking a bit of an interest in the band, particularly its sexy bass player. Jennifer tries to hide her new affliction, but when she starts feeding on people along the way, the band’s funny French roadie, Hugo, discovers her secret and, as a good roadie is wont to do, helps her take care of it.

One night, after devouring Beef Bellows (played by Moby), the lead singer of the band Secretaries of Steak, Joey and the rest of the band get hip to Jennifer’s vamped ways. They all agree that it must be kept a secret and that she can’t turn any of the other band members into vampires. That proves difficult, and soon enough Jennifer ends up biting the guitarist and the drummer. Now Joey’s the only one who’s not a vampire, and repeated visits/visions from some bartender/Lucifer/head vampire dude (played by Alice Cooper) urging him to embrace the vampire ways and fulfill his dreams of becoming famous, is making it hard for him not to sell out, as it were. Speaking on behalf of the other side of the coin is super- producer Victor (played by Iggy Pop), who is urging Joey to not give in to the hype and remain true to himself, etc. Finally, though, Joey opts for selling out, either because he wants to be famous or because he’s totally in love with Jennifer.

The Winners become overnight sensations, an exploding IT band, with a new populist following. However, they can’t control their thirsty ways and even feed on radio DJ Rockin’ Roger (played by Henry Rollins) live on the air. This doesn’t seem to bother anyone except Eddie Van Helsing (Malcolm McDowell), the eye-patched vampire hunter who’s been trailing them all tour, hoping to destroy them and get his hands on the ultimate prize, Queeny, the dude who killed his wife many years ago. The movie winds down with the band opting for the high road once and for all, so they collaborate with Van Helsing who has a plan that will make them human again and help him exact his revenge on Queeny.

So yeah, Suck is a bit boring, but what it lacks in action it makes up for in wit. The roadie, Hugo, is the funniest of the bunch, the bilingual fall guy with some clever one liners, and having noted shock rocker Alice Cooper play the dude urging Joey to embrace the shtick appeal seems wholly apropos. Also, Moby is a well-known vegetarian, so his role in this film is all cow tongue in cheek, and it works, and naming the band The Winners when they are obviously anything but, works as well.

However, what I enjoyed most about this movie was playing the album cover game. It was the one thing that kept my interest all the way through. See, Stefaniuk put scenes in this movie that were near exact shots of famous album covers, and once I got hip to it, I spent the rest of the time searching them out. Here are the covers I discovered, in no particular order: The Beatles’ Abbey Road, T Rex’s Electric Warrior, Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the USA, The Who’s The Kids Are All Right, and The Rolling Stones’ Beggar’s Banquet. Also, the scene where Joey talks with Alice Copper at the crossroad’s is a Robert Johnson homage, and there was one scene that I thought might have been The Beatles’ Yesterday and Today, but wasn’t quite sure. Anyway, there could’ve been more I didn’t pick up on, so go ahead and get this movie and see what you can find!

*Yup, that’s what she said.

Check out the trailer for Suck!