October’s Beard of the Month is a familiar one, belonging to Black Tusk bassist Jonathon Athon, who also received some end-of-the-year kudos in 2010 for his fire-branded, foot-and-a-half facial fashion statement. Athon’s beard is grade A ginger greatness, and nearly a year later it still boasts an unbridled barbarianism that’d make Erik the Red jealous if he were alive today. You know that iconic image of Superman standing on top of a skyscraper, his cape blowing in the wind a tell-tale sign of his heroic awesomeness? That’s how I like to think of Athon, only instead of a skyscraper it’s a mountain and instead of a cape it’s his beard.

And a worthy nod to the hairy fellows in The Shrine, seen here posing with an elder beard named Chief. I don’t know who Chief is or what his story might be, but you can bet it’s a good one judging by his beard. And so The Shrine, taking their beard, beer, and cigarette cue from Chief, are well on their way to becoming a proud bunch of drunk Gandalfs too!

Biters
All Chewed Up
Underrated Records

So, are the Biters the biggest band in the world yet? I think we need to look into it. They have to be by now. Have to be. They’re circling the skies above Tokyo at this very moment in a private jet piloted by a chimp in aviator shades and a rhinestone vest, right? Well, while I wait for confirmation on this, I’m gonna try to wrap my head around another EP from Atlanta’s shock n’ awesome rock n’ roll show, because, truth be told, I’m still not over the first two yet. With album-of-the-year hardware still warm in their hands, the Biters refuse to take their cheetah-skinned shoes off of the accelerator for even a minute, intent on driving headlong into candy-land in the middle of the starry night instead of slowing down to enjoy the ride. But can you blame ‘em? Tuk and Co. are pumping out hits like a gumball machine with a broken dispenser and the resulting sugar high is beyond euphoric. Like the previous two EPs, All Chewed Up is a glam-pop junkie’s dream come true, but manages to separate itself slightly by offering a few extra songs (seven instead of the customary five) and adding Bolan (“Rock N Roll Loser”) and Poon (“[Oh Yeah] The Bitch Wants More”) to the roll call of influences that already includes Nielsen and Thunders. The Biters do it again, my friends. The question is, how many more times are they gonna do it before the year is out?

Listen to “Born To Cry” from All Chewed Up!

Year-end, best-of lists are the worst. I’ve never read one I’ve agreed with. If they don’t make me mad as hell they make me question my own taste and judgment…for about three seconds. But man, do I ever hate those three seconds! Of course, the truth of it is it’s all arbitrary bullshit, nothing more than one-upsmanship (sic) spouted from the pedestal of holier than thou record collections by bearded twats just like me. Which brings me to my 2010 wrap-up, naturally. I urge you to take it for what it is, a cursory, but hopefully entertaining, glance at the most noteworthy aspects of the 105 albums I reviewed this year. And nothing more, except maybe your own three seconds of lame agony.

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