Mother

A Korean film from the same dude responsible for The Host about an eccentric and neurotic mother of a mentally challenged boy who she believes has been framed for murder. A young school girl has been killed and all evidence points toward the kid, so the police pick him up and the case is closed. The mother, however, is adamant about her son’s innocence and sets out to prove it. Hye-ja Kim (as the mother) is really awesome, and aside from being a suspenseful whodunit, it’s also pretty damn funny, which is a difficult combo to pull off. Recommended, but only if you can handle over two hours of sub-titles.

Check out the trailer for Mother!

Open House

Grabbed this one for a lark simply because the wife loves True Blood and, well, Stephen Moyer and real life wife Anna Paquin are pretty prominent on the cover, as well as Canadian model and Battlestar Galactica wet dream Tricia Helfer. I mean, come on, that’s just too good a cast to pass up. This one was even written and directed by Paquin’s brother, Andrew, which gives the whole project a take-your-kid-to-work-day feel to it. Even though Moyer and Paquin are leads on the cover, their combined on-screen time is about six minutes, so now it’s a cash grab as well. Keeps getting better, doesn’t it? It all combines for one lame horror movie about a fucked up dude and his fucked up chick who make a living by scoping out open houses, killing the people selling the house, moving in, posing as the new homeowners, and killing the neighbors or anyone else who happens along. However, this time is a little different for them because the dude never actually kills the girl who owns the house, keeping her bound and gagged in some cubby hole in the basement (because he likes her and really wants to stop doing what he’s doing), a secret his controlling lady doesn’t know about. It lacks in both sex and gore, which the whole premise is based on, and I predicted the “twist” about a quarter of the way into the flick. I know the True Blood season is over, but avoid this one at all costs and watch vampire re-runs instead.

Check out the trailer for Open House!

Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage

Rush is, and probably always will be, the butt of Canadian rock n’ roll jokes. A charge not totally unjustified, especially given some of the stuff they put out in the 80s, but man, have they ever been one beloved and influential band. This documentary, brought to you by Sam Dunn (Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, Iron Maiden: Flight 666, Global Metal), chronicles Rush’s insane cult following as mega-awesome progressive rock band, and tells their untold story, from small town Canadian geeks to the third ranked band with the most gold or platinum studio albums behind The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Rush, ever the polite, humble, and well-behaved Canadians they are, have spent the four decades avoiding the pitfalls of stardom — drugs, booze, and women — to concentrate on one thing: musicianship. They have that in spades, in case you don’t know. A really funny, enlightening doc, and it just might convert the one guy out there who’s not a Rush fan, or the millions who make fun of ‘em.

Check out the trailer for Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage!

The Square

This Australian movie has it all: blackmail, murder, adultery, and more twists than a stick of licorice. Raymond, a contractor, is cheating on his wife with Carla, this chick who lives across the lake. Carla’s husband is into some bad shit and keeps a bag of money hidden in the ceiling, so her and Raymond set up a plan to steal the money and burn the place down. This way they can take the money and run away together, and Carla’s husband will think the money went up in smoke. Of course, the plan goes awry, someone is killed in the fire, and Raymond starts receiving blackmail letters. His nerves are completely shattered and he’s losing his composure, and must kill again in order to keep his affair and crime a secret. On top of that, Carla’s husband comes to discover that the money was never in the bag when the house burned down, so now he’s pissed and on a mission. It’s an intricate storyline, a clever one at that, and while the movie does kind of drag in parts, it’s fairly well crafted and played out. Decent enough, this one.

Check out the trailer for The Square!

After.Life

The alternate title for this one should be Naked on a Slab because that’s how Christina Ricci spends the majority of this movie. See, she’s dead. Or not dead. Who knows, but either way she’s awfully whiny about it. And Liam Neeson plays a mortician who can either talk to the dead or abducts people and convinces them they are dead. The dude from the Mac commercials thinks something is up. So, is something up? What’s the deal here? Is she really dead or is the guy in the mortuary a real sicko? Um, I don’t know, but Ricci sure is naked, and she sure is on a slab. Really, my wife said it best: “After.Life is a horrible movie unless you’re really into Christina Ricci’s tits. If that’s the case, you’ll love it.”

Check out the trailer for After.Life!

First though, the rundown. Stefaniuk plays Joey, the self-absorbed leader of The Winners, and he and his band have just been dumped by their manager Jeff (Dave Foley). Despite being at their lowest, they stick to their plans to make it from Montreal to Toronto and down the Eastern US seaboard in order to play a showcase gig attended by industry insiders, movers and shakers. However, before leaving Montreal, the band’s bass player, Jennifer (Jessica Paré), leaves a gig with a powder-faced dandy named Queeny (played by Burning Brides singer/guitarist Dimitri Coats), goes to a party, and gets turned into a blood-sucker. When she arrives at the next city, there’s something noticeably different about her, and suddenly, people start taking a bit of an interest in the band, particularly its sexy bass player. Jennifer tries to hide her new affliction, but when she starts feeding on people along the way, the band’s funny French roadie, Hugo, discovers her secret and, as a good roadie is wont to do, helps her take care of it.

One night, after devouring Beef Bellows (played by Moby), the lead singer of the band Secretaries of Steak, Joey and the rest of the band get hip to Jennifer’s vamped ways. They all agree that it must be kept a secret and that she can’t turn any of the other band members into vampires. That proves difficult, and soon enough Jennifer ends up biting the guitarist and the drummer. Now Joey’s the only one who’s not a vampire, and repeated visits/visions from some bartender/Lucifer/head vampire dude (played by Alice Cooper) urging him to embrace the vampire ways and fulfill his dreams of becoming famous, is making it hard for him not to sell out, as it were. Speaking on behalf of the other side of the coin is super- producer Victor (played by Iggy Pop), who is urging Joey to not give in to the hype and remain true to himself, etc. Finally, though, Joey opts for selling out, either because he wants to be famous or because he’s totally in love with Jennifer.

The Winners become overnight sensations, an exploding IT band, with a new populist following. However, they can’t control their thirsty ways and even feed on radio DJ Rockin’ Roger (played by Henry Rollins) live on the air. This doesn’t seem to bother anyone except Eddie Van Helsing (Malcolm McDowell), the eye-patched vampire hunter who’s been trailing them all tour, hoping to destroy them and get his hands on the ultimate prize, Queeny, the dude who killed his wife many years ago. The movie winds down with the band opting for the high road once and for all, so they collaborate with Van Helsing who has a plan that will make them human again and help him exact his revenge on Queeny.

So yeah, Suck is a bit boring, but what it lacks in action it makes up for in wit. The roadie, Hugo, is the funniest of the bunch, the bilingual fall guy with some clever one liners, and having noted shock rocker Alice Cooper play the dude urging Joey to embrace the shtick appeal seems wholly apropos. Also, Moby is a well-known vegetarian, so his role in this film is all cow tongue in cheek, and it works, and naming the band The Winners when they are obviously anything but, works as well.

However, what I enjoyed most about this movie was playing the album cover game. It was the one thing that kept my interest all the way through. See, Stefaniuk put scenes in this movie that were near exact shots of famous album covers, and once I got hip to it, I spent the rest of the time searching them out. Here are the covers I discovered, in no particular order: The Beatles’ Abbey Road, T Rex’s Electric Warrior, Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the USA, The Who’s The Kids Are All Right, and The Rolling Stones’ Beggar’s Banquet. Also, the scene where Joey talks with Alice Copper at the crossroad’s is a Robert Johnson homage, and there was one scene that I thought might have been The Beatles’ Yesterday and Today, but wasn’t quite sure. Anyway, there could’ve been more I didn’t pick up on, so go ahead and get this movie and see what you can find!

*Yup, that’s what she said.

Check out the trailer for Suck!

As with all best-of lists, this one has its disclaimers. The big one here is that this list includes only the albums I listened to, so if I didn’t include Slayer’s new album or Immortal’s new album it’s because I haven’t heard them…yet. So don’t get your panties in a knot if there are some glaring omissions. And, of course, this list is exclusive to the music I listen to; it’s my favourites for the year…and hopefully some of yours.

Oh, and why 39? Because it’s one better than 40. If 666 is the number of the beast, think of 39 as the number of the beard.

All right, enough screwing around. Let’s get to it…

First I want to start with the honourable mentions. I like this stuff a lot, but for one reason or another it didn’t tickle my beard as much as the top 39 did. And it is with great sadness that I include The Wildhearts and 3 Inches of Blood in this list, but I was very underwhelmed by both bands this year, and their failure to meet my exceptionally lofty expectations for them both kept them out of the top 39. Sigh.

3 Inches of Blood – Here Waits Thy Doom
Baptized in Blood – Gutter Bound
Bastard Child Death Cult – Year Zero
Behemoth – Evangelion
The Black Crowes – Before the Frost…Until the Freeze
C.C. Voltage – A Touch of Class…Just a Touch
The Chelsea Smiles – S/T
Cherry Choke – S/T
The Gentleman Losers – Dustland
Goatwhore – Carving Out the Eyes of God
Hardcore Superstar – Beg for It
House of Broken Promises – Using the Useless
Luder – Sonoluminescence
Obiat – Eye Tree Pi
Paradise Lost – Faith Divides Us-Death Unites Us
Sex Slaves – Wasted Angel
Steel Panther – Feel the Steel
Sun Gods in Exile – Black Light, White Lines
Valis – Dark Matter
Warbringer – Waking Into Nightmares
White Cowbell Oklahoma – Bombadero
The Wildhearts – Chutzpah!

Now, BEHOLD! The number of the beard!

#39 The Last Vegas – Whatever Gets You Off

The Last Vegas were the very first band I wrote about many years ago on Sleazegrinder. It was a piece called ‘Thunder Boogie in the Glitter Gulch’ and that pretty much summed up their sound at the time. No one at all knew who they were, but they were the band that all the rich rock stars wanted to be and sound like. Well, now THEY are the rich rock stars, and Nikki Sixx has sunk his heroin-laced talons into ‘em, bringing them out on tour with the Crue and signing them to his label. For that alone they should be kept off of this list, but they’ve still got that million dollar sound, even if it comes with a matching ego and tainted image. So chalk it up to my nostalgia if you want, but you also won’t find a catchier song than “Loose Lips” off any album on this list.

Listen to “Loose Lips” from Whatever Gets You Off!

#38 Riverboat Gamblers – Underneath the Owl

My wife loves owls. She collects them; pictures, needle works, jewellery, figurines, tattoos…you name it. That’s not the only reason this album made the list, but she really digs the cover, and that’s as good a reason as any if you ask me. Now, some people might say that the band has taken one too many trips on the ol’ Warped Tour and now their sound is as watered down as the fountain in the shopping mall, but I’ve yet to see a teenager with a shitty haircut wearing a Gamblers shirt, so their cred is still in tact, Jack. Sure there might be a few out there, but until I see one, I say the Gambler’s energy and attitude is still OURS. And dig that owl.

Listen to “Catastrophe” from Underneath the Owl!

#37 Wooden Shjips – Dos

Until the Wooden Shjips came along, I never knew what the hell kraut-rock was. Fuck, I still don’t what the hell kraut-rock is, but their latest fuzz n’ jam carpet ride is just dripping with repetitive, psychedelic geek rock. It oozes and drones like a clock blinking 12:00 and your ears are staring at it, waiting for time to move forward, but it doesn’t. It just holds you there. You know, sometimes it feels good just to be held.

Watch the video for “Motorbike” from Dos!

To be continued…