Chocolate Love Factory
Rat Bag/Texty Texty Single
Self-Released

I applaud DIY, I endorse any kind of underground movement, I herald the unknown, and “Rat Bag” ain’t half bad with its quirky, devil-drivin’ QOTSA desert rock vibe, but this double single loses me when I try to understand its necessity. Each of the songs (including “Ciroadian and Homeostatio Waves” on the B-side) were already released last year (two of them twice) on Take No Hostages (Demos) and Biscuit Music, which can be downloaded for free here and here, respectively. However, I’m happy to give this Irish three-piece the attention, and I understand their need for a “proper” release, but unless they want to find themselves drowning in Semi Precious Weapons territory, which is a desperate, stagnant, and misguided place to be after three releases, they need to do something new, because the potential is there. Oh, and do something about that band name, too.

Listen to “Rat Bag” from the Rat Bag/Texty Texty Single!

The Best Beard of the Year

Despite the fact that he probably spent most of the year sportin’ an old-timey mustache, I’m giving beard of the year to Dirty Sweet singer, Ryan Koontz. I became enamored with Dirty Sweet this year after I heard their amazing sophomore album, American Spiritual, and kind of developed a man crush on Koontz thanks to this beard (my wife can vouch…I wouldn’t stop watching videos of him and his band in action). If we’re to judge his beard by this picture, it screams gnarly sophistication. Sometimes it’s okay to have a beard that makes you look like a serial rapist, but other times you want that 1800s professor of psychology look. With its prevalent chin and neck growth, distinguished wisps of grey, and droopy ‘stache, it’s a beard that says I teach radical theories by day and guzzle cognac and chase wenches by night.

Speaking of serial rapist beards, the best collection of beards in one band goes to Valient Thorr. I mean, who else, right? These guys are beard champions. The key to their success? A Complete lack of soap and lots of denim. And a nod to Blacktusk bassist Jonathan Athon for sheer length. He’s got one hell of a pavement tickler there.

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Black Wizard
Black Wizard
Self-released

Ok, so I’m not sure this album is entirely new, but it’s new to me, and as you’re reading this the young Canucks in Black Wizard are putting the finishing touches on the vinyl version, so that’ll be new, got it? And by finishing touches I mean they are silk screening every single goddamn record jacket. That’s instant cred right there, and not just because I have a raging boner for all things rock n’ roll and all things silk screen, but because there’s no doubt that during this awesomely messy DIY process one of ‘em will get ripped to the tits on cheap beer, lose a finger tip in a freak silk screening accident, and bleed all over the freshly painted jackets. I would kill a child with a shoe to get my hands on one of those soiled copies, let me tell you.

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