Backwoods Payback

If there’s any immediate difference to be noted between Backwoods Payback’s 2007 self-titled debut and their 2011 Small Stone debut, Momantha, it’s the production (cheers, Mr. Grotto). That 2007 album was an ugly affair, a quagmire of lumbering stoner rock for hairy-backed troglodytes with revenge-ridden manifestos in one hand and a rusty hatchet in the other. Of course, that’s what made it so great; there’s never been any doubt about who Backwoods Payback is or what they sound like — kind of like Kyuss, kind of like The Obsessed, kind of like Devil to Pay, kind of like Acid King, and kind of like Scissorfight, but most definitely a lot like a boulder being dropped into a puddle of mud. Momantha, however, adds melody into the mix, and flexes a bit more muscle as well, but before you think that means the maniacs are city-bound to chuck curses and get library cards, be assured that this album is drenched in BP’s groggy-riffed pestilence. In fact, the album’s first half, from “You Know How This Works” to “Parting Words,” is a beast and is probably as road-ready and raunchy as BP will ever play it, but the second-half variety courtesy of the Urge Overkill alt-vibe of “Poncho,” the sludgy doom of “Velcro,” and the hardcore-tinged animosity of “Timegrinder,”  will keep you on your toes, guessing when, where, and under what modus operandi the band will strike next. BP aren’t reinventing the kill here, but I just can’t seem to definitively peg ‘em, which is an awfully high compliment to give. But there is something familiar here, isn’t there? Sometimes I think it’s that vocalist/guitarist Mike Cummings’ throaty howl reminds me of Pete Stahl — and, to that end, that BP remind me in some way of a woollier Wool — and sometimes I think that they’re out there all alone in the Pennsylvania thick, just them and the shallow graves they’ve dug.

Listen to “Lord Chesterfield” from Momantha!

The Crown
Doomsday King

The Crown have returned. After a six year absence, the Swedish death metal band has a new singer (Jonas Stålhammar of God Macabre) and a new album, the colossally brutal statement, Doomsday King. That statement, as best as I can make it, is a steadfast one, a waving, tattered black banner under which a united front of undead, steel-helmeted militia stand tall and hungry, whose demise was nothing more than a self-imposed exile from which they could choose to rise at any time. Well, the time is now; the front-line swells, sharpened scythes are held high, the victor’s spoils waiting to be plucked from the night sky amidst flying blood and angel’s screams. Perhaps driven by the desire to erase their absence from our collective conscious all together, the resurrected Crown strike with obvious purpose, unleashing a relentless slaughter of death thrash that sounds ultimately more sinister than anything they’ve done before. It isn’t, of course. It just sounds that way because it’s been so long, but there does seem to be a slight shift away from the motor-driven death n’ roll of previous albums, probably because they’ve turned off the long highway through Hades and now it’s time to kill…and eat like kings.

Listen to “Age of Iron” from Doomsday King!

Mother

A Korean film from the same dude responsible for The Host about an eccentric and neurotic mother of a mentally challenged boy who she believes has been framed for murder. A young school girl has been killed and all evidence points toward the kid, so the police pick him up and the case is closed. The mother, however, is adamant about her son’s innocence and sets out to prove it. Hye-ja Kim (as the mother) is really awesome, and aside from being a suspenseful whodunit, it’s also pretty damn funny, which is a difficult combo to pull off. Recommended, but only if you can handle over two hours of sub-titles.

Check out the trailer for Mother!

Open House

Grabbed this one for a lark simply because the wife loves True Blood and, well, Stephen Moyer and real life wife Anna Paquin are pretty prominent on the cover, as well as Canadian model and Battlestar Galactica wet dream Tricia Helfer. I mean, come on, that’s just too good a cast to pass up. This one was even written and directed by Paquin’s brother, Andrew, which gives the whole project a take-your-kid-to-work-day feel to it. Even though Moyer and Paquin are leads on the cover, their combined on-screen time is about six minutes, so now it’s a cash grab as well. Keeps getting better, doesn’t it? It all combines for one lame horror movie about a fucked up dude and his fucked up chick who make a living by scoping out open houses, killing the people selling the house, moving in, posing as the new homeowners, and killing the neighbors or anyone else who happens along. However, this time is a little different for them because the dude never actually kills the girl who owns the house, keeping her bound and gagged in some cubby hole in the basement (because he likes her and really wants to stop doing what he’s doing), a secret his controlling lady doesn’t know about. It lacks in both sex and gore, which the whole premise is based on, and I predicted the “twist” about a quarter of the way into the flick. I know the True Blood season is over, but avoid this one at all costs and watch vampire re-runs instead.

Check out the trailer for Open House!

Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage

Rush is, and probably always will be, the butt of Canadian rock n’ roll jokes. A charge not totally unjustified, especially given some of the stuff they put out in the 80s, but man, have they ever been one beloved and influential band. This documentary, brought to you by Sam Dunn (Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, Iron Maiden: Flight 666, Global Metal), chronicles Rush’s insane cult following as mega-awesome progressive rock band, and tells their untold story, from small town Canadian geeks to the third ranked band with the most gold or platinum studio albums behind The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Rush, ever the polite, humble, and well-behaved Canadians they are, have spent the four decades avoiding the pitfalls of stardom — drugs, booze, and women — to concentrate on one thing: musicianship. They have that in spades, in case you don’t know. A really funny, enlightening doc, and it just might convert the one guy out there who’s not a Rush fan, or the millions who make fun of ‘em.

Check out the trailer for Rush: Beyond the Lighted Stage!

The Square

This Australian movie has it all: blackmail, murder, adultery, and more twists than a stick of licorice. Raymond, a contractor, is cheating on his wife with Carla, this chick who lives across the lake. Carla’s husband is into some bad shit and keeps a bag of money hidden in the ceiling, so her and Raymond set up a plan to steal the money and burn the place down. This way they can take the money and run away together, and Carla’s husband will think the money went up in smoke. Of course, the plan goes awry, someone is killed in the fire, and Raymond starts receiving blackmail letters. His nerves are completely shattered and he’s losing his composure, and must kill again in order to keep his affair and crime a secret. On top of that, Carla’s husband comes to discover that the money was never in the bag when the house burned down, so now he’s pissed and on a mission. It’s an intricate storyline, a clever one at that, and while the movie does kind of drag in parts, it’s fairly well crafted and played out. Decent enough, this one.

Check out the trailer for The Square!

After.Life

The alternate title for this one should be Naked on a Slab because that’s how Christina Ricci spends the majority of this movie. See, she’s dead. Or not dead. Who knows, but either way she’s awfully whiny about it. And Liam Neeson plays a mortician who can either talk to the dead or abducts people and convinces them they are dead. The dude from the Mac commercials thinks something is up. So, is something up? What’s the deal here? Is she really dead or is the guy in the mortuary a real sicko? Um, I don’t know, but Ricci sure is naked, and she sure is on a slab. Really, my wife said it best: “After.Life is a horrible movie unless you’re really into Christina Ricci’s tits. If that’s the case, you’ll love it.”

Check out the trailer for After.Life!

More on the masked guy later, though. The movie’s really about this dude named Arkin. Arkin is a handyman of sorts and is doing some work for this rich family. He also has an ex, a kid, and alimony payments. Plus, his ex is in trouble with a loan shark, and since Arkin worries about harm befalling his daughter, he has to do something drastic to make some money. That’s why he decides to break into the rich people’s house and crack the safe in the bedroom and steal the giant gem inside of it. So, when the family heads off on vacation, Arkin makes his move. However, once inside the house, Arkin realizes he’s not alone. It turns out the masked man made it there first, nabbed the family before they were able to vacate, and is torturing them in the basement (well, just the parents, because the teen daughter is out with her boyfriend and the little girl is hiding somewhere in the house). Arkin soon realizes what’s going on, but his plan to escape is foiled by all the booby traps that have been set up around the house.

These booby traps include such things as a living room floor full of bear traps, razor-sharp wire across doorways, a chandelier of knives, a bedroom floor covered in some sort of burning adhesive, a wall of nails, millions of fish hooks hanging from the ceiling, and other such unsafe problems. Now that I think about it, it’s kind of like Home Alone but with deadlier consequences. Anyway, Arkin manages to avoid most of the traps and the dude in the mask as he goes from room to room, floor to floor, trying to find a way to help save the family and get the hell out of the house. All the while, the masked sadist is gutting dad and sewing mom’s lips shut, and trying to figure out who else is in the house. And maybe find out where that pesky kid is hiding. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, he collects people. The idea is, every house he goes to, he keeps one of his victims alive, stores them in a trunk, and drags them to his next job. It doesn’t really make much sense and it’s never explained why he does it, so let’s move on.

The teen daughter eventually returns home with her boyfriend, and thinking that the family has left on vacation, they paw each other and start getting it on until Mr. Torture shows up and ruins their naked fun. The boyfriend falls into the bear traps and the girl reaches for a pair of scissors, which are rigged up to some sort of device, and ends up being propelled into the wall of nails. Arkin eventually finds the little kid and they fight back and try to escape, but the masked man intercepts them, and while the girl finds safety once again, Arkin is taken to the basement where his mid-section is sliced open and a jar of cockroaches is placed over the wound. However, Arkin gets out of that situation, finds the girl again, manages to take down the bad guy, and get out of the house.

It doesn’t really end there, but I think you get the idea. I’ll reiterate everything I said off the top, so viewer beware, and so long as you don’t demand answers to nagging questions, like, “Why would the guy booby trap the house after he captured the family?” or “How did Arkin even know about the safe…or that there was a huge gem in the safe?” then you might at least moderately enjoy the blood that spills from this one.

Check out the trailer for The Collector!

No idea who or what the cave monsters are, but they’re like a human/bat hybrid of some kind. They are blind, slimy, make terrible noises, crawl up and down the walls of the caves, have razor sharp teeth, and feast on human flesh. So, when the girls run into them, all bloody hell breaks loose. They start dying off one by one in a frantic attempt to find a way out. It’s really not a pretty sight (except to gore hounds like you and me!) when one of those bastards sinks its teeth into a lady’s jugular or disembowels her and feeds on her innards. The girls stand a better chance when they discover that the monster’s respond to sound, so they try to stop screaming, but in the end they all pretty much get it, despite the fact that they turn into killing machines themselves in the name of survival.

I need to go into a bit of an aside here because there’s a sub-plot that needs an explanation, but I won’t bog you down with too many details. This is also going to be a spoiler, so tread carefully. One of the girls, Sarah, had lost her husband and daughter in a car accident the year before, and so this cave trip was a way to get her back into the swing of things. Her friend Juno, however, was sleeping with her husband. Sarah doesn’t know this, but their friend Beth does. Anyway, Juno knows that Beth knows, so when Beth is attacked in the caves (and also struck down, accidentally, by Juno), she is left there by Juno, on purpose, to die. Sarah stumbles upon the dying Beth later who tells her that Juno was sleeping with her husband and had left her there to die. So, naturally, Sarah and Juno are the only two left standing at the end of the movie, and as the monsters descend on them, Sarah puts some sort of pick axe through Juno’s knee and leaves her for the monsters to feast on. Sarah, bloody and tired, finally escapes the caves.

The Descent: Part Two takes place two days later. This movie, more than anything, is frustrating as hell. It’s filled with stupid decisions and horror movie nonsense and will likely leave you feeling angry when it’s over. Okay, so there’s a search party out for the missing girls, only the search party is looking in the wrong caves. Then Sarah shows up in the hospital but can’t remember a damn thing about the last two days. The sheriff is all suspicious-like because she’s the only survivor and had blood all over her clothes, and the blood-type matched that of her friend Juno. Oh, hey, what about all the other blood that would’ve got on her clothes, like Beth’s blood and some of those monsters’ blood? No? Okay then. Then someone discovers an abandoned mine whose shaft leads to the unmapped caves in question where The Descent took place. The sheriff, who doesn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about Sarah’s amnesia or obvious post-traumatic stress symptoms, forces her back down into the caves in order to find her missing friends. Are you kidding me? You can’t do that! But do it he does. In fact, even the sheriff himself, along with one of his deputies (plus three actual professional cave divers) go down there too, because one thing this movie needs in order for it to work is a bunch of amateurs down in the caves.

If I can say one good thing about this movie, it’s that, unlike the first part, it didn’t take an hour to get to the carnage. Not long after this new group goes down do the monsters start attacking. Sarah’s memory is quickly awakened and she runs for her life. The rest are left to fend for themselves against an unfamiliar foe, hungrier than ever. All of the professionals die first, of course, leaving only Sarah, the sheriff, and the deputy. Sarah teams up with the deputy, making sure she does her best to remain quiet, while trying to find her way out of the caves once more. There are plenty of attacks, but Sarah’s been through it all before and now kills with revenge and hate on her side. Then there’s the sheriff, adept at performing one idiotic stunt after another (like firing his gun, which caused an avalanche), and just as he’s about to get his just desserts, here comes Juno to save the day.

Oh, sorry about spoiling that for you. But it’s so stupid, yeah? When we last saw Juno, she had a pick axe through her leg and was being attack by a handful of monsters. So she should be dead, but here she is, relatively clean, I might add, with a bit of a limp. How did she manage to survive? Who knows. That is obviously not important. Then Sarah and the deputy show up, and Juno hasn’t forgotten what Sarah did to her. So they fight. But then they make up because, let’s face it, Juno did sleep with her husband, so the pick axe thing seems like a reasonable response. They agree to work together to survive and escape, but the bright-minded sheriff puts a kink in that plan by handcuffing himself and Sarah together. Really, idiot? You still think she killed Juno when monsters are attacking you and Juno is alive? Also, how easy do you think it’ll be to move around in the caves when you’re handcuffed to someone? Come on! Well, he finds out pretty quickly how stupid a move that was when he falls and the girls decide to chop his arm off in order to save themselves. Good-bye, numb nuts.

It all winds up with some sort of female show of solidarity, with Juno dying while fighting to save Sarah and the deputy, and then Sarah sacrificing herself so the deputy can escape. I have to say, the concept is a pretty interesting one, playing on the whole claustrophobic thing, and the monsters were dope. There’s a lot more blood in the second one, but the first one had a better atmosphere. In fact, if part one took a quicker route to the action like part two did, it would’ve been all right. I’d like to think that part two would’ve worked better if they cut out all the shit that just went against common sense, but then there wouldn’t be much of a movie left. Also, the way this one ended, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a part three on the way.

Check out the trailers for The Descent and The Descent: Part Two!

It was George Romero’s 70th birthday on Wednesday, so the wife and I celebrated by watching Night of the Living Dead. The original 1968 version, of course. It’s strange how on his birthday we’re the ones who get such a nice present. Anyway, I really love watching old horror movies because, more than anything, they’re good for a laugh. We’re so used to trillion dollar budgets and CGI this and green-screen that nowadays that when we come across something archaic and raw like a movie from the 60s, it seems comical in comparison. And most times it is, but that’s really not the case with Night of the Living Dead.

It’s amazing what superb lighting, clever camera angles, and chocolate syrup can do. I’ll compare Night of the Living Dead to The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (since it’s freshest in my mind), where the latter was shot as though it was a theater performance on film. Everything was stationary and static. The actors moved as if on a stage. Romero’s classic, however, just six years later, shows remarkable visionary achievements. There’s real chills created in the shots alone. Throw some zombies into the mix and it’s one hell of a movie, even if it is 42 years old. It also stands as the benchmark in zombie movie mania (even though the word zombie is never mentioned once in the movie). It is the one. Everything we know and understand about the undead is established in Night of the Living Dead; their penchant for human flesh, how to kill them, the downside of being bitten by one, the confusion and fighting amongst the people trying to avoid being eaten, etc. But I think I’m telling you stuff you already know.

For those that don’t know, here’s how it all started. Siblings Barbara and Johnny are visiting their father’s grave when a zombie attacks them. Barbara escapes, but Johnny isn’t so lucky. Barbara takes shelter at a nearby house whose owner has perished, likely eaten by a zombie. Then this dude, Ben, shows up (he’s also trying to avoid being eaten) and together they board up the house and hope for the best. Actually, Ben does most of the boarding up; Barbara spends the rest of the movie in a catatonic state. Then two dudes pop out of the basement. They had also taken shelter in the house and had been hiding in the basement with their women (and a sick child) until the madness was over. Well, the madness is only escalating. They turn on the TV and the radio to learn about the mass murders sweeping the land at the hands of the undead, or ghouls, likely due to some radioactive contaminants from an exploded space probe.

So the people in the house argue over how to proceed and finally they decide that some of them will try for a bone dry car, fill it up at the house’s gas pump, and then grab everyone else and make a break for it. It was a good plan in theory, but it didn’t quite work out, and now the zombies have made their way into the house and the sick girl in the basement wants in on the flesh-eating action. The only one left by sun-up is Ben, but when the local authorities make their zombie-killing rounds, they shoot Ben because they think he’s a zombie. Oops.

There you have it, the grandfather of all zombie movies, and while it has a few are-you-kidding-moments, it’s nowhere near the kind of chuckle-fest most of these old horror movies are prone to be. No, Night of the Living Dead is a masterful, original, apocalyptic triumph concerning the reanimation of the recently dead. Fuck yeah.

So you know what you’re going to do now, right? Yeah, you’re going to watch Night of the Living Dead right here!