Diarrhea Planet

With a band name and album cover possibly invented by someone’s seven-year-old nephew, Diarrhea Planet spew forth an album’s worth of Gamblers’ style garage pop as unpredictable and juvenile as their shitty moniker. Driven by a harmonic cacophony of quadruple guitars and tree-fort song titles, this Nashville band riffs on the Southern skate punk sound in equal parts brevity and bravado; the catchy choruses say, ‘Take our songwriting seriously,’ while the lo-fi nonsense says, ‘We’ll place a flaming bag of dog shit on your front step, ring the bell, and take off.’ There is more to Loose Jewels than meets destroys the eye, though, and that’s the slight whiff of leather jacket sleaze that runs down this album’s proverbial leg, which, noted for both its stink and speed, is over and ringing in your ears before the mess even reaches your shoe.

Listen to “Warm Ridin’” from Loose Jewels!

Riverboat Gamblers

I’ve written about more Texas punk bands this year than I ever thought I would, really, so if I’m going to do it again, I might as well take on the granddaddy of ‘em all, the Riverboat Gamblers, whose new four-song EP, Smash/Grab, is near eight minutes of pure soil n’ snot pop that only they can deliver. In fact, what it really delivers is that old school Gamblers sound we haven’t heard since 2003′s Something to Crow About, that raw, loose, up-tempo ribaldry and shout-along savagery, which ought to wash away any uneasy feelings you may have had toward the commercial leanings of 2009′s Underneath the Owl. Each of the songs here (“The Ol’ Smash and Grab,” “Parasite Friend,” “Maggie Lea,” “Anything But You”) ooze with the manic energy these mavericks have been known to consistently unleash on stage, which means there’s no bells, no whistles, and no slick production. Just sweaty, ageless, gutsy rock n’ roll inspired by — and inspiring — youthful indiscretion one petty crime at a time.

Listen to “Anything But You” from the Smash/Grab EP!

High Tension Wires

Third album from Texas “supergroup” High Tension Wires, led by Riverboat Gamblers’ Mike Wiebe on vocals and Marked Men/Mind Spiders’ Mark Ryan on guitar/vocals (and rounded out by The Reds’ Chris Pulliam and newcomers Daniel Fried and Greg Rutherford of The Bad Sports), and that’s probably all I need to say because I know you’re already hearing the twitchy, over-amped punk rock  in your head. Like the music associated with any one of the bands involved in this project, Welcome New Machine is full of catchy, fuzzy songs that playfully mix ’77 snark and Berry blues, and the whole thing will leave you reeling like you’ve been beaten with broken skateboard decks by a bunch of frazzled dudes in sweaty cardigans and black-rimmed glasses. It’s all over in about 26 minutes though, and while each of the 12 songs here last as long as bubblegum flavour, they’ve got exceptional melodic stamina, and the electric effects of “Get Weird,” “Incorporeal,” “Backbone,” “Temporary Gods,” “Lose Face,” and “Handicapped Hearts” will stay in your legs for a long time. Live shows are extremely rare with this bunch, so if you want in on some High Tension Wires action, grab a Welcome New Machine LP before they’re all gone.

Listen to “Backbone” from Welcome New Machine!

Mark Ryan, singer/guitarist for Texas punk band The Marked Men, has given his lone star cronies another reason to celebrate and collaborate, courtesy of his new solo project, Mind Spiders. While the band’s live incarnation brings together friends from The Marked Men, High Tension Wires (made up of Marked Men, Reds, and Riverboat Gamblers), Bad Sports, and Uptown Bums, the recording is all Ryan, who four-tracks his way through twelve lo-fi pop creations that blink and scream like the main attraction at the carnival of fuzz. As a whole, Mind Spiders feels a hell of a lot like a 60s garage rock record, candy-coated in electric spazz and shake, but Ryan is able to riff on this blueprint on a song-by-song basis, coaxing a range of styles out of the inherent raw energy throughout; “Go!,” “Don’t Let Her Go,” and “No Romance” showcase his punk roots (“Go! was supposed to be on The Marked Men’s last LP but was left off), “Read Your Mind” and “Slippin’ and Slidin’” contain a country n’ soul vibe, while “Your Soul,” “Neurotic Gold,” and “Close the Door” end the album on an indie new wave note. Mind Spiders is eclectic, catchy, and earmarked for sound.

Listen to “No Romance” from Mind Spiders!

High Watt Crucifixers
High Watt Crucifixers

Texas neck breakers, the High Watt Crucifixers, take the nut up or shut up approach to layin’ down road burnin’ sleaze rock songs, which means their self-titled debut sounds like something you’d want blastin’ away while you’re getting your cock tattooed in a truck stop restroom by a lot lizard with a loose moose knuckle. It’s a greasy good time, is what I’m really getting at here, and like all ragged riff merchants, their degenerate roots can be traced all the way back to AC/DC, but they throw in enough speed, fuzz, and punk to call to mind bands like Zeke, The Divine Brown, and the Riverboat Gamblers. Now, High Watt aren’t selling me anything I don’t already own with songs like “Easy Action,” “You Want It,” “Sell Your Soul,” or “Rock N Roll Salvation,” but I’ve yet to hear a sleazy scorcher in all my bearded years with one of those familiar titles that’s even come close to letting me down. Same goes here as each one of ‘em feeds my demon and blasts me with a heavy dose of hot evil action, like I’m French kissing a blow torch. And that, brothers and sisters, is totally bad-ass.

Listen to “Easy Action” from High Watt Crucifixers!

As with all best-of lists, this one has its disclaimers. The big one here is that this list includes only the albums I listened to, so if I didn’t include Slayer’s new album or Immortal’s new album it’s because I haven’t heard them…yet. So don’t get your panties in a knot if there are some glaring omissions. And, of course, this list is exclusive to the music I listen to; it’s my favourites for the year…and hopefully some of yours.

Oh, and why 39? Because it’s one better than 40. If 666 is the number of the beast, think of 39 as the number of the beard.

All right, enough screwing around. Let’s get to it…

First I want to start with the honourable mentions. I like this stuff a lot, but for one reason or another it didn’t tickle my beard as much as the top 39 did. And it is with great sadness that I include The Wildhearts and 3 Inches of Blood in this list, but I was very underwhelmed by both bands this year, and their failure to meet my exceptionally lofty expectations for them both kept them out of the top 39. Sigh.

3 Inches of Blood – Here Waits Thy Doom
Baptized in Blood – Gutter Bound
Bastard Child Death Cult – Year Zero
Behemoth – Evangelion
The Black Crowes – Before the Frost…Until the Freeze
C.C. Voltage – A Touch of Class…Just a Touch
The Chelsea Smiles – S/T
Cherry Choke – S/T
The Gentleman Losers – Dustland
Goatwhore – Carving Out the Eyes of God
Hardcore Superstar – Beg for It
House of Broken Promises – Using the Useless
Luder – Sonoluminescence
Obiat – Eye Tree Pi
Paradise Lost – Faith Divides Us-Death Unites Us
Sex Slaves – Wasted Angel
Steel Panther – Feel the Steel
Sun Gods in Exile – Black Light, White Lines
Valis – Dark Matter
Warbringer – Waking Into Nightmares
White Cowbell Oklahoma – Bombadero
The Wildhearts – Chutzpah!

Now, BEHOLD! The number of the beard!

#39 The Last Vegas – Whatever Gets You Off

The Last Vegas were the very first band I wrote about many years ago on Sleazegrinder. It was a piece called ‘Thunder Boogie in the Glitter Gulch’ and that pretty much summed up their sound at the time. No one at all knew who they were, but they were the band that all the rich rock stars wanted to be and sound like. Well, now THEY are the rich rock stars, and Nikki Sixx has sunk his heroin-laced talons into ‘em, bringing them out on tour with the Crue and signing them to his label. For that alone they should be kept off of this list, but they’ve still got that million dollar sound, even if it comes with a matching ego and tainted image. So chalk it up to my nostalgia if you want, but you also won’t find a catchier song than “Loose Lips” off any album on this list.

Listen to “Loose Lips” from Whatever Gets You Off!

#38 Riverboat Gamblers – Underneath the Owl

My wife loves owls. She collects them; pictures, needle works, jewellery, figurines, tattoos…you name it. That’s not the only reason this album made the list, but she really digs the cover, and that’s as good a reason as any if you ask me. Now, some people might say that the band has taken one too many trips on the ol’ Warped Tour and now their sound is as watered down as the fountain in the shopping mall, but I’ve yet to see a teenager with a shitty haircut wearing a Gamblers shirt, so their cred is still in tact, Jack. Sure there might be a few out there, but until I see one, I say the Gambler’s energy and attitude is still OURS. And dig that owl.

Listen to “Catastrophe” from Underneath the Owl!

#37 Wooden Shjips – Dos

Until the Wooden Shjips came along, I never knew what the hell kraut-rock was. Fuck, I still don’t what the hell kraut-rock is, but their latest fuzz n’ jam carpet ride is just dripping with repetitive, psychedelic geek rock. It oozes and drones like a clock blinking 12:00 and your ears are staring at it, waiting for time to move forward, but it doesn’t. It just holds you there. You know, sometimes it feels good just to be held.

Watch the video for “Motorbike” from Dos!

To be continued…