The fact that 2009′s The Collector comes from the same dudes responsible for writing the Saw franchise well past respectability and straight into this-is-just-getting-stupid-now territory (those being numbers IV, V, and VI) is a heavy burden to lay on a movie, and although the movie squirms and fights as best it can, it’s unfortunately unable to free itself from that constraint. A fitting description given that The Collector is, as you can imagine, all about captivity and torture. And booby traps. Yes, lots of booby traps. It doesn’t really make a lick of sense, mind you, and you have to suspend your disbelief from the fucking rafters like a bound and gagged body in order to shut it up from asking any sensible questions (and you’ll be wanting to ask a lot of them, believe me), but sometimes that doesn’t matter when some dude in a leather mask is terrorizing a helpless family for shits and giggles and hurting them in creatively sadistic and terribly painful ways.

More on the masked guy later, though. The movie’s really about this dude named Arkin. Arkin is a handyman of sorts and is doing some work for this rich family. He also has an ex, a kid, and alimony payments. Plus, his ex is in trouble with a loan shark, and since Arkin worries about harm befalling his daughter, he has to do something drastic to make some money. That’s why he decides to break into the rich people’s house and crack the safe in the bedroom and steal the giant gem inside of it. So, when the family heads off on vacation, Arkin makes his move. However, once inside the house, Arkin realizes he’s not alone. It turns out the masked man made it there first, nabbed the family before they were able to vacate, and is torturing them in the basement (well, just the parents, because the teen daughter is out with her boyfriend and the little girl is hiding somewhere in the house). Arkin soon realizes what’s going on, but his plan to escape is foiled by all the booby traps that have been set up around the house.

These booby traps include such things as a living room floor full of bear traps, razor-sharp wire across doorways, a chandelier of knives, a bedroom floor covered in some sort of burning adhesive, a wall of nails, millions of fish hooks hanging from the ceiling, and other such unsafe problems. Now that I think about it, it’s kind of like Home Alone but with deadlier consequences. Anyway, Arkin manages to avoid most of the traps and the dude in the mask as he goes from room to room, floor to floor, trying to find a way to help save the family and get the hell out of the house. All the while, the masked sadist is gutting dad and sewing mom’s lips shut, and trying to figure out who else is in the house. And maybe find out where that pesky kid is hiding. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, he collects people. The idea is, every house he goes to, he keeps one of his victims alive, stores them in a trunk, and drags them to his next job. It doesn’t really make much sense and it’s never explained why he does it, so let’s move on.

The teen daughter eventually returns home with her boyfriend, and thinking that the family has left on vacation, they paw each other and start getting it on until Mr. Torture shows up and ruins their naked fun. The boyfriend falls into the bear traps and the girl reaches for a pair of scissors, which are rigged up to some sort of device, and ends up being propelled into the wall of nails. Arkin eventually finds the little kid and they fight back and try to escape, but the masked man intercepts them, and while the girl finds safety once again, Arkin is taken to the basement where his mid-section is sliced open and a jar of cockroaches is placed over the wound. However, Arkin gets out of that situation, finds the girl again, manages to take down the bad guy, and get out of the house.

It doesn’t really end there, but I think you get the idea. I’ll reiterate everything I said off the top, so viewer beware, and so long as you don’t demand answers to nagging questions, like, “Why would the guy booby trap the house after he captured the family?” or “How did Arkin even know about the safe…or that there was a huge gem in the safe?” then you might at least moderately enjoy the blood that spills from this one.

Check out the trailer for The Collector!